Beauty Bitch: Gonged Out

Beauty Bitch ON Apr 21, 2009 AT 1:51 pm

Beauty Awards

Beauty Awards

The beauty industry plays host to plenty of awards – from the coveted CEW(UK) Awards through to anything from the straightest fringe cutting to most marvellous packaging.

Because it’s Beauty Land, you get to see some fabulously diva-ish behaviour, beginning right at the top of the evening with table settings. If X doesn’t get to sit with Y, there’s no end of fuss and stropping, meaning that the poor PR’s have to scurry round trying to rearrange places in order to accommodate irrational tempers. There’s nothing like a weeping, foot stamping beauty ‘guru’ to get things off to a bad start. This re-jigging means that then A and B can’t sit together anymore and it’s all a question of who the PR’s can afford to upset most. Mainly, people take it all in their stride won’t let a small thing like a different table get in the way. But, not all.

Then, there are the named place settings, at which you can easily find yourself next to someone who under normal circumstances you would climb a mountain to avoid. There’s a lot of false ‘mwahhs’, ‘you look amazing’ etc and then immediate turning to the other neighbour, who ever they happen to be (often a regional marketing trainee, I find). They are instantly your new best friend and it’s best to spend the whole evening on top form because if conversation dries its back to public enemy No1. I’ve learned about all sorts of interesting chemical extraction methods this way, but it’s better than having to chat to my bête noir. Slipping a few melting post dinner petit fours into her Chanel bag to let them merge into the calfskin lining during the evening makes me feel slightly better about knowing too much about manufacturing plant politics.

Kate Winslet at the Oscars

Kate Winslet at the Oscars

Next up the speeches: while nobody has actually cried a la Kate Winslet (in truth, it’s normally the audience crying – with boredom) there are certainly plenty of gushing thanks that often includes partners and parents. Ho hum. Often, those going up to accept awards have been very recently brought out of the dusty back office where they formulate, calculate or calibrate and don’t get out in the light of day often. Their outfits (shiny suits, Marisota floral dresses or bed-head hair) generally reflect that, much to the chagrin of the PR’s who keep an icy smile plastered over their faces, but you can tell by their eyes that they are dying inside. But better by a mile are the losers. I recently witnessed a wanna-be celebrity beautista watch her brand lose out to another and she literally left there and then, no matter that the ceremonies had barely got going. But, it didn’t go un-noticed and her general unpleasantness is gathering her already tarnished reputation even more malicious moss.

Beauty Bitch speaks out about diva behaviour

Beauty Bitch speaks out about diva behaviour

Once finished, it’s generally advisable not to have tucked into the wine so freely you end up falling onto someone else’s table; it’s also quite advisable not – in the beauty industry anyway – to ruin your make-up artist created look by drunkenly weeping and secretly smoking in the powder room only to find you’ve burned a huge hole in your taffeta, and it’s really not at all the best plan to try and cop off with the waiters to make your marketing manager jealous. Nothing goes un-noticed, because against all the odds, there will be someone, somewhere that’s sober enough to report back.

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