Men, What do they know?

Mimi ON Feb 11, 2009 AT 2:29 pm

Chris Brown and Rihanna

Chris Brown and Rihanna

Celebs: The Real Reason They Row
By Iain Laurie

So often we criticise celebrities for living in a champagne bubble of fantasy and delusion. We laugh at their slippery grip on reality and their herds of clingers and yes-men keeping them a safe distance from everyday life. But every now and again we must remember that they are susceptible to the same mundane, trivial hazards of modern life just like the rest of us. A severe reminder was given to us by Chris Brown and Rihanna this week. It is easy to believe that their argument might have been over music, celebrity friends or professional or romantic jealousy but this just wasn’t the case. The real reason was that they were simply sharing a car journey. Car journeys are a relationship kryptonite and R&B stars are not exempt. The quarrel would have followed thus:

Rihanna with Chris

Rihanna with Chris

‘Rihanna, I swear this isn’t the correct way to the Grammys.’
‘Shut up Chris, I always come this way to the Grammys.’
‘Look, you’ve got us mangled in the one way system now. You should have turned left after the KFC, what did I say?’
‘I know what I’m doing. I’ll just take the next left and we’ll be right there.’
‘Look at the sign, look at the sign Rihanna, that means no left turn. Let me take the wheel biiiiiaaatch.’

Rihanna’s reluctance to give up the wheel forces Chris to physically relieve her of her driving duties and before we know where we are, Rihanna’s been cuffed. Now obviously domestic violence is no laughing matter (except for the time when Ross Kemp got fizzed up by his wife) but this disagreement could have been avoided by simply hiring a chauffeur.

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow

There have also recently been rumours of a split between Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. Again we might lazily assume their dispute was over macrobiotic dieting or whether to call their next child Judas or Pomegranate. But far more likely, it was over Chris’s overzealous dominance of the TV remote or Gwyneth’s inability to keep her armpit hair in order.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie? Differing career ambitions and views over Madonna’s role in the home? Not a chance. Guy flipping the board over after being comprehensively trounced at Monopoly? Definitely.

These recent celebrity calamities ought to have taught the rest of the rich and famous a valuable lesson – don’t get involved in non-glamorous activities, you are just not qualified. If a chauffeur can be afforded, get one. Employ an experienced estate manager to represent your interests in the acquisition of Park Lane and the Water Works rather than dirtying your hands doing it yourself. Get your armpits laser treated or, better still, have a child’s hairless skin transplanted in. Celebrities above the level of say, Andi Peters, have no place in our world. They should be locked behind their gold-plated gates and kept out of harm’s way.

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