Men, what do they know?

Mimi ON Mar 04, 2009 AT 10:37 am

Paris and British Best Mate

Paris and British Best Mate

Cruising for Wives
Iain Laurie

 In Paris Hilton’s own words she is an ‘inspiration’ and an ‘entreprenurial genius’. A bit fanciful some would say. But one thing she might actually be, as well as a party monkey and a passionless porn artiste, is a social pioneer. Her programme ‘Paris’s British Best Friend’ might just have opened up a brand new avenue of community engagement. Choosing someone for a personal relationship through a process of application, interview and practical evaluation, is sure to catch on as a way of avoiding poor quality friendships. In fact although she has made this system famous, she may not be the first…

Tom and Katie

Tom and Katie

It is rumoured that Tom Cruise first experimented with this mode of practise when looking for a wife. Personally I am willing to believe anything I hear about Cruisy until it is absolutely proved to be completely and undeniably untrue. So let’s take it to be accurate that before he got married to Katie Holmes he invited a number of Hollywood starlets, including Holmes and apparently Jessica Alba, to apply for the position of Mrs Tom Cruise. Interested parties would have to submit an application, answering questions that would doubtless be:

1) What is your height?
2) Are you a practising Scientologist? If not, you will be required to become one. When you become one please don’t embarrass Mr Cruise by revealing the nonsense it involves.
3) Which of the following do you consider yourself to be – Fertile, Very Fertile, Somewhat Fertile, A Little Infertile, Completely Barren, etc, etc.

The successful applicants would then be invited for an interview where they would be taken for a guided tour around Mr Cruise and then put through a series of rigorous tests such as: feigning interest, crouching, looking unembarrassed as he jumps on furniture etc, etc. Presumably Ms Holmes scored staggeringly high marks in the practical tests as her answer to Question 1 on the application must have been so bad she was lucky not to be disqualified on the spot.

Tom & Katie

Tom & Katie

It may seem a bit clinical and impersonal to us, but to a busy man like T.C. this is a cleverly effective way of obtaining a wife. By forgoing the normal practise of asking them out for a meal, he spared the poor women the humiliating experience of being asked their fertility status over coffee and desert and having to stand back to back with him, while a waiter assessed who was taller. Having gone the official route Tom Cruise has not only preserved their dignity but he has also put himself in a strong legal position in the event of an indiscretion. After the chosen candidate was notified of her success, she would have had to sign an agreement confirming that the answers given were true. This would give Mr Cruise the opportunity to dismiss Ms Holmes without tribunal if she was violating the terms of her employment by, for example, refusing to look interested when he spoke.

I personally endorse this social innovation and plan to use it myself. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to invite Ms Alba to apply. Her chances of success this time round would be phenomenally high, as long as she answers the following question correctly:

1) Which of the following would be your ideal man: A Rich Dreamboat, An Interesting and Cultured Professional, A Patron of the Arts and Charitable Causes, A Tubby Parasite?

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