Men, What do they know?

Mimi ON Apr 17, 2009 AT 9:15 am

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

It’s all in the name
By Iain Laurie
 

If you watch enough low quality, late night satellite television, you’ll have seen the adverts for a service where you text your name and that of your girlfriend/boyfriend/person you fancy/person you’re stalking/person you’ve been legally required to stay 200m from, and they’ll text you back a ‘compatibility rating’ based on your names. They claim to add the letters together and use their numbers in the alphabet to get a percentage. Clearly this is nonsense and I am surprised that enough idiots use the service to allow them to make the money to advertise on TV.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

However, there is something in a name.  And as ever, Ben Affleck is at the forefront of innovative brilliance. When he went out with Jennifer Lopez they became known as ‘Beniffer’. A silly abbreviation of their two names but it ran nicely off the tongue nevertheless. When that relationship ended he wisely sought out another Jennifer (Garner) since the abbreviation worked so effectively before. A man like Affleck could have his pick of slightly simple women and doubtless could have picked, for example, a Susan (Busan?!) or worse a Marilyn (Benilyn) which could have rendered him guilty of a copyright infringement.

The other well known name abbreviation is that of Brad and Angelina, who this week are reported to be at loggerheads over Brad’s refusal to muck in with the domestic chores in favour of scratching his balls in front of the telly with a beer in his mitt. He may be a multimillionaire dreamboat but he’s still a Brad. And if you get with a Brad expect him to behave like a Brad. If he’d been called Tim or Oliver perhaps he’d be a more attentive husband.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

If Brad Pitt doesn’t mend his ways and gets slung out of Angelina’s orphanage, he’ll have a big decision to make. Does he go for a lady with a name more suited to living with a Brad such as a Darlene or a Billie-Jo? Someone who’ll not only tolerate his slugabent lifestyle, but one that will surely revel with him in his pit of sloth. As for Angelina, she’ll have a choice to make too. Say she does go for a Tim or an Oliver, she’ll then have the abbreviation to take into consideration. Tangelina? Olingina? Both sound too much like refreshingly zesty orange flavoured drinks.

Perhaps I shall set up my own name compatibility text service. Instead of matching letters and numbers, I shall have two simple tests:

1) Are the names well matched on a class and social status scale?
2) Do the names sound good in an abbreviated form?

If these two tests are passed then I will text back that they are compatible and free to proceed. And if Angelina texts in to say that Brad’s been binned and she’s now started seeing, for example Val Kilmer, I’ll enter their names into my system and see what comes up. They’ll pass Test 1 since Val is a pretty girly name for a man and this is the kind of chap she’s looking for, but what’s this on Test 2? Vagelina? I shall have to text back, ‘Sorry Ms Jolie, but your union will sound like a female hygiene product and I cannot allow this relationship to continue.’

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments are closed.